Managing Your Emotions

by Elaine Morris

It happens every day. An employee comes into your office complaining that she is not paid enough. Your stomach turns and your pulse quickens. This is the third time this month, and this bothers you, particularly after giving her a 10% raise in December. Or maybe you’ve experienced something like this: your business partner text messages you, “bad feedback from the client, we need to talk.” Your heart races. These are the everyday stressors in business and in life.

If you are like me, you want to get beyond your emotional reactions and respond to each situation with grace, using good judgment and measured responses. Does this always happen? If we are honest with ourselves, we can do better. That is what this month’s article is about. How can you manage your emotions, so that you present yourself like the intelligent, level headed leader you normally are!

FIRST: UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR BODY REACTS TO STRESS

When an upsetting situation arises….you think something along the line of “Oh no….” This thought sends a message to your brain that there is a danger. Brain experts say that the brain cannot distinguish between a physical danger, such as an on-rushing car, or an emotional reaction to someone’s behavior. Not distinguishing between the two, the brain, nevertheless, sends off a signal to your body so you will be equipped to handle it. Think of stories you have heard where a person is caught under a car and another person reacts to the emergency with super human power and lifts the car up to save the victim. Our body is designed to respond to such emergencies.

In Summary:

1. PHYSICAL REACTIONS – prepare you to face the danger
   In a perceived emergency, your body reacts – blood thickens, blood pressure goes up, cortical is released (which stores fat); hormones flood your brain making it difficult to think clearly.
   

2. WHAT YOU DO – Fight, Flight or Freeze
   In “fight” you may say something you wish you hadn’t said. In”flight” you may rush off and avoid a situation that must be confronted. In a state of freeze, you are left powerless to speak up, thinking later what you should have said.
   
   None of these three reactions lead to effective communication and positive results! You are out of control and in an emotional reaction.

SECOND: CATCH YOURSELF GOING DOWN AND MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONAL REACTIONS

Try this next time you have an upsetting situation:

1. Self Talk
   As soon as you sense you are having a negative emotional reaction to a situation, say to yourself, “This is an OPPORTUNITY” – positive self talk is proven effective in calming down emotions and avoiding the physical side effects that can make it harder to respond logically. It tells the body, “This is not an emergency, no need to call in the troops.”

2. Breathe Deeply
   This will reverse your brain chemistry and debilitating physical reactions. You will stay more present and be able to think clearly.

THIRD: GAIN UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR THOUGHTS

Strong emotions are stimulated by thoughts. By examining your perception of an upsetting situation, you will gain insight to what triggered the emotional upset. Try this exercise with a current upsetting situation or relationship.

1. What is your interpretation of this situation? You will likely assume something is wrong with you, the other person, or the situation.
   
   Each of these negative assessments leads to strong negative emotions and may not be reality-based.

2. Challenge your thinking. What are the facts? Is this really true? Is there more than one interpretation to this situation? Is your automatic interpretation a pattern for you? (For example: “I’m not good enough”, “others can’t be trusted”, “this company has nasty politics.”)

3. What is another interpretation you could choose, that would leave you feeling more in control, more whole, more able to act? Choose an INTERPRETATION THAT EMPOWERS YOU. Example: “She is having a bad day”; “This is an opportunity to build relationship;” or “This information is not the same as what I had seen, I need to check in with her and understand how this happened.”

4. Now, choose a response that is consistent with your values and your vision for yourself as a leader. How would you like to respond to this situation? What would be the benefit of responding this way? What is the outcome that is most important in this situation?

APPLICATION:
BUILDING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF AWARENESS

Over a 30 day period, keep a log of situations that triggered you. Just list them simply like this in a daily log – entering at least one a day. At the end of the month, you will see what types of situations most create a reaction in you. You will also see the pattern of interpretation that tends to hook you. Emotional Self Awareness leads to Emotional Self Control!

About the Author: Elaine Siciliano Morris is principal consultant and founder of Sea Change Inc, an organizational effectiveness firm based in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. A frequent keynote speaker and workshop presenter on leadership, corporate culture and personal growth, Elaine works with leaders and their teams to create productive and rewarding work environments. More information about her is available on her website: www.seachangecoach.com, or contact Elaine by phone at 972-407-0648.